Totum Table: Boundaries — Not a Wall, Just a Fence (With a Nice Gate)
Let’s be honest. When most people think of setting a boundary, they picture themselves as a villain in a melodrama, saying "NO!" and pushing people away. We worry we’ll seem mean, selfish, or cold.
Stop it. That is a myth we’re officially banishing from this table.
A boundary is not a wall designed to keep people out. It’s a fence with a nice, clear gate that signals to others: "This is how you can treat me, and how I need to treat myself, so that I can show up as a functional, decent human being."
It’s the difference between:
A Wall: Ghosting your friend who always cancels last minute. (Unhealthy, confusing.)
A Fence: Saying, "I'm not going to commit to plans with less than 24 hours notice anymore." (Clear, respectful—to both of you.)
See the distinction? One is avoidance, the other is adulting with a backbone.
Boundaries: Fueling Your Mind, Heart, and Guts
Let’s break down how this practice nourishes the three essential parts of you:
🧠 Your Mind: Boundaries create clarity and space. When you set a time limit on work or declare a topic off-limits in a conversation, you protect your focus. This allows your mind to solve your problems, not just absorb the chaos of others.
❤️ Your Heart: Boundaries protect your capacity to care. Resentment is the emotional equivalent of rust, and it builds up when you constantly give more than you have. When you say "no" to something you resent, you’re saying "yes" to your own emotional reserves, ensuring your kindness comes from a place of fullness, not depletion.
💪 Your Guts: Boundaries honor your instinct. That sudden knot in your stomach when someone makes an unreasonable request? That's your gut screaming. When you set a boundary, you validate that primal warning system, teaching yourself that your intuition is trustworthy.
Your First Boundary Homework: Identifying the Drain
You can't set a boundary if you don't know where you're leaking energy. This week, I want you to simply observe. Think of your emotional energy like a rechargeable phone battery.
Who or what consistently drains you to 10%? Is it the coworker who forwards all their tough tasks? The relative who calls for an hour-long vent session? The habit of scrolling Instagram for 45 minutes after you meant to go to bed?
What is the specific behavior? Be precise. It’s not "My neighbor is annoying." It's "My neighbor expects me to watch their dog every weekend without asking first."
That specific behavior is where your first, simple, compassionate boundary needs to go.
Straight Talk: Setting a boundary might feel uncomfortable at first, like wearing a new pair of shoes. But trust me, walking on your own terms is infinitely better than having blistered feet from always following someone else's path.
For now, just observe the drain. Welcome to the Totum Table. I’m so glad you’re here, and I can't wait to see what you build.